So it's 12:31am and I have finally hit rock bottom. I had a feeling this was going to happen soon, much like an alcoholic I have been binging and bargaining etc for weeks. Being finished school for almost a month and a half I have been starting diets weekly just to fall off the wagon around noon Monday sending myself into a binge that then lasts the entire week ending in just another gain come Monday morning. The madness has to stop! My body is screaming at my mind for it to stop!
So what makes tonight the night, you ask?
Well it's Friday (I guess tecnically Saturday) , I have been binging this entire week (well since noon Monday) and I have just been woken up with heartburn. I know you made read this and think, "heartburn, so what? why is that a problem? take some antacids and go back to bed you dummy!" But know to me it's a problem, to me it is a sign that my body is screaming, that it is rebelling, that I need to stop. You see I have only had heartburn at two significant times in my life: Pregnancy. Yes thats right when your huge and fat and growing a baby it is okay to have heartburn. But it not okay to have it just because you have eaten this evening.
So I am going to journal what I have eaten today because this blog is going to be a journey for me, I am going to be able to look back at these entries and see when I was feeling my lowest (Rock Bottom) and remeber how I felt about myself and what I am doing to my poor poor body and look back and realize that I never want to feel this way again. never.
So here's what I did:
I started this morning off with a smoothie and a bagelful (bagel and cream cheese in one, brilliant!) This was a decent breakfast ( breakfast usually is!) for snack I had a granola bar (still ok) Lunch was a sausage on a bun (23 grams of fat) and another granola bar (here we go) I then had 2 popcicles and another granola bar , a hot dug bun with nutella on it all before my husband came home from work. My husband came home with 4 jars of peanut butter (good sale) and a bag of chips for himself (not a chip fan) to which I stated "how rude you didn;t get anything for me" to which he stated :we can get something when we go out" to which I stated "well I guess so!" So we take our oldest son to swimming and the I go to run errands. One of the errands is to stop and get 4 more jars of PB (really good sale) and I resist picking up something for me cause heck I have already consumed 5 slizes of pizza for dinner. I run my last errand and decide to go to the drug store to buy thses new chips "popchips" that all the diet sites are raving about. I also grab a klondike bar and a bag of mini licorice allsorts. I get into the car and scorf down the icecream bar and hide the wrapper in beside my seat. I then open the diet chips (did I mention I hate chips!) I eat about 6 handfuls and decide I hate them (big suprise) and get home where I then eat half a bag of the licorice allsorts in front of my husband as if that is my only snack.
Then I go to bed and wake up with heartburn, I take to of my husbands antacids and I toss and turn and I promise to do better and finally I decide to get up and write this shit down so I can remind myself that I am disgusted with my behaviour and that something needs to change ASAP!
and so for the first time in my entire adult life I am going to start a diet on a Saturday. and now I know how people hate the word diet and it's a lifestyle change yaddyyaddyyaddy to me it's a diet that will lead me to a lifestyle change ;)
So here I go
I start my journey
I am scared
I am scared
I can do this.
I am scared.
